Friday, October 5, 2012

Busying

I'm busy and I'm sick of being busy. To the extent that I'm going to be sick from being busy. All this business is keeping me from living and distracting me from feeling and exhausting me to the point of numb.

I can feel myself pulled too many directions.
I can feel myself wearing thin.
I can feel myself slowing down.
I can feel myself shutting down.

And yet, the automaton winds up every morning and goes through the motions of work and more work and more work. I don't think work has any idea that it is going to be the thing that kills my spirit when it previously has been the source of so much delight.

Well, I'm busy and I'm over it.

I find myself planning my prison break. I slide sporks from commissary up my sleeve during mealtime and sharpen them on the rough spot of metal on my bunk in hope of tunneling out with them. I floss my teeth and save the floss to weave into a rope that i can use to saw through the bars of this cage. MacGyver did it, I can too!

I wonder what it would be like to sleep for as long as my body needs. I crave the feeling of having time to discover new things to learn. I want so badly to be the person who brushes my daughter's hair and takes her to school each morning.

And I have to say....these days in a row of leaving work too late.....barely making it on time to the school.....always leaving unfinished work behind....never feeling satisfied with a job completed.....these days are wearing against the cliffs of my resolve like winter storms with violently high seas.

I am flirting with freedom and it is a seductive possibility. The more weight that is placed around my neck the more I desire a breaking of chains.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Translating

Life sometimes doesn't make sense.  Like the universe is whispering secrets in a language I no longer know.  I remember times when i would hear it so clearly.  I would know which winds to follow and when to hunker down and avoid them.

I've been in a space like that for much of the last year.  To the point of being put on anti-depressants.  I hadn't even known I was depressed.  I had never experienced depression before.  About 6 weeks ago I made the decision to go off my meds and pull myself out of my hole  It's been a slow process.  I did it the wrong way but luckily had no bad results. 

So that last week I've been feeling more like myself again.  A spring in my step.  Alive.  With purpose. 

I am translating the language around me so that life makes sense again instead of just ignoring it and allowing myself to be lost.  I am paying attention, listening carefully and not avoiding my responsibilities.  I am not hiding my sadness any more. 

I will learn to continue to evolve so that I can find new ways of handling situations that have me out of my depth.

I am translating my life into my own contentment.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Feeling

It's a song
Or somebody says something that reminds you
It's a smell
Or the way joy feels wrong

It's any number of things, pulling at you like a trigger on a gun and then it pulls hard enough to trip the trigger.  Suddenly you are hit in the belly, struggling to remain upright, doubled over with grief and overwhelmed by loss.  There is not enough air in the world to fill you.  There is not enough of anything to take the place of the empty spaces that grief is haunting within the rooms that house your contentment.

Maybe this is why I have made sure I've been so busy.  I saw a man today who just lost his father last week and is back to work....someone expressed condolences and his reaction was so familiar.  The stoic gulp, the slight look away, the tightened smile that is really teeth clamped shut to prevent a jaw from betrayal.  I could sense what was happening within him.  Our American cultural sensibilities kicking in.    No time or space for grieving.  No public displays of feeling.

Our culture is wrong.  We neither celebrate nor mourn our deaths.  We stuff them into our bellies, swallowing them whole.  We ignore them and smother the fire they ignite within us.  We have the expected memorial while we are so shocked with grief that we can't even feel ourselves in the room.  We move through the process soaking up sympathies but not knowing from where or who they have come.

Then we go back to our regularly scheduled life but we are irregular in that space.  A puzzle piece obviously sideways and everyone pretends not to notice out of courtesy.  We cry randomly and they avoid eye contact and pretend again that these troublesome feelings aren't happening.

I am done interacting with the world around me with a belly full of festering feeling.  I am exhausted from trying to be too busy to feel because emotion is too difficult for our surface level culture.  I am so completely over the shallow waters we choose to inhabit because going deep takes work.

Life is work.  Staying alive is work.  Feeling, connecting and handling the feelings of others is work.  And I am a work.  I don't know if that is a good or bad thing.  What I do know is that a song tripped my trigger today and I spent an hour paralyzed from grief that I had stuffed and ignored as is the custom of my shallow, vacuous culture.  It is a disservice to those I have loved.  They are worth the work.


Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Emerging

I keep taking note of how I am hiding out.  How I am not socializing.  Talking about it isn't making me feel any more inclined to do it.  I want selective socializing right now.  I want to choose when and how I socialize and not be ambushed and forced to give energy to others when I don't feel like I have any to give away.

Do you ever feel like that?  Too exhausted to even give someone else your attention?  For me solitude is something so rare and when I do get an opportunity to have some, I want to be able to enjoy it.  I have been hiding and I want to come out slowly, on my terms.

I took myself to the movies last night and saw Moonrise Kingdom.  GO SEE THIS FILM.

Here's what it's about:

Set on an island off the coast of New England in the summer of 1965, Moonrise Kingdom tells the story of two twelve-year-olds who fall in love, make a secret pact, and run away together into the wilderness. As various authorities try to hunt them down, a violent storm is brewing off-shore -- and the peaceful island community is turned upside down in more ways than anyone can handle. Bruce Willis plays the local sheriff. Edward Norton is a Khaki Scout troop leader. Bill Murray and Frances McDormand portray the young girl's parents. The cast also includes Tilda Swinton, Jason Schwartzman, and Jared Gilman and Kara Hayward as the boy and girl. 
-- (C) Focus Features    PG-13, 1 hr. 33 min.     Comedy    

It was a sweet film and it was lovely to emerge into it's sweetness from my little hermitage.  Tonight I'm getting out more....dinner with friends.  Tomorrow night I have to go to a bar and host a station event.....so more contact with adult humans.  It's happening whether I like it or night and by the time I get to Saturday I should be well primed for reintegrating into a full-blown social scenario when Don & I host Gypsy Soul's 10th Annual Starlight Concert.  

I took a walk yesterday.  I bought a pink blouse.  I had my favorite oyster shooter with quail egg in it at Kobe.  I'm shedding my cocoon bit by bit but please don't be offended if there are moments when I crawl back into the husk of my sadness because it has become so familiar.  I know I can't live there but sometimes I do need to visit.  I promise I'll come out eventually.

Something like me, but different, is emerging.
And that is okay. 

Friday, July 13, 2012

Slipping

Life is slipping away from me.  Right now someone I love is in ICU due to a lifetime of self neglect.  She would gladly let go of anything that tethers her to this place regardless of the love I, or anyone else, holds for her.  Her own years of martyrdom have led her to this place and the prospect of meeting Jesus is more appealing to her than what life after this holds.

I am angry.
I am disappointed.
I am helpless.
I am slipping sideways trying to find another point of view.

Right now someone I love has become the world's greatest nasal snowboarder.  They think them self sly and think me blind.  I am not supposed to notice.  They have stolen.  They have been careless with my safety.  They have avoided accountability.   They will not change.  And I am supposed to sit by and watch it happen with no comment because comment would equal judgement.

I am angry.
I am disappointed.
I am disconnecting.
I am slipping away from the wake of their destruction.

Right now someone I love feels overwhelmed.  She can't imagine what is next and is always in survival mode.  She has no plan for the future and is just trying to get through today.  She is like a dirty firefly, dim light where the was once a tiny spark of illuminated miracle floating midair.  She keeps shooting up flares, shooting stars, shooting off her mouth.  She tried to lift her feet to move but they are stuck.

I am angry.
I am disappointed.
I am discouraged.
I am slipping quietly into the night to cry alone.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Dogpaddling

I'm sad.  I'm going through the motions right now.  I'm not sleeping well.  I can't focus.  I am just treading water, keeping my chin over the surface just enough to prevent drowning.  My mind keeps wandering.  To say my heart is heavy would be insignificant.  It is lead lined, dense and impenetrable right now.  Kevlar is easier to get through.  

This will pass.  I am organic, alive and growing.  I do not stay the same.  If you know me and expect me to always be one thing then you do not know me at all.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mothering

I almost let the day go by without writing.  It's too important for that.  Not because it is Mother's Day and another chance for things to be all about me....don't pretend you don't like days that are all about you on some level....anyway....not because of that...but because it is the day that changed my life in the most profound way possible.

I had lived a fairly fearless (read:  stupid mistake making) life prior to becoming a mother.  

Bad decisions?    √             Kill the gods?        √
Bad friends?       √             Abuse myself?       √
Bad attitude?      √            Loser guys?            √
Bad lifestyle?      √            Financially stupid?   √


From the moment I knew that the human being in me had fingerprints and could hear me, I was determined.  Not to stop doing this, or start doing that.  Not to conform.  Certainly not to do things the way my parents had done them.  I was determined to become the woman I would be proud to see my daughter be later.


I knew, before they ever told me, that she was a girl.  I could close my eyes and see her.  I knew her name.  These weren't byproducts of some childhood spent playing dolls and being mommy.  I wasn't that kind of girl.  I was a tattooed rocker chick with a mosaic heart from so many times broken and a perpetual steam of pot smoke coming out my ears.  I was a partying psychedelic tripper stumbling through a universe for which I had done little preparation.


I had never wanted to be somebody's mother.  Hell, I still wasn't grown up yet and I was 32 at the time!  


But, I determined at that moment that I would be a mother.  And that I would be a great mother and become the kind of woman who would provide a safe space for my daughter to grow and a strong figure for her to look to for example.


I am not the best mother.  It's not really a contest.  I am likely making mistakes every day.  However, people who meet my daughter all seem to agree that she is a remarkable young girl.  Well spoken, funny and smart.  Well behaved, inquisitive and kind.


She can be anything she wants in life.  She just can't be a jerk.  I am here to be the place where she hears what is possible for her instead of what limits life has to offer.  I am here to be the jet fuel in the rocket that she uses to blast off into her life.  I am staying powered up and powering her up in the process.


Somebody once asked what made me think I was qualified to give parenting advice to anyone.  I guess you'd have to spend a few days with my kid to really understand what qualifies me.  Maybe it is the fact that there is nobody that comes before her in my life.  I know I have preciously short time to raise her into her adulthood and I am perfectly willing to give her my focus for a couple of decades to ensure she has the tools to be the person she wants to become.  


That may mean I don't make as much money as others.  It may mean I don't live exactly where I'd like to be.  I likely won't get married and can't conceive of allowing anyone else to have authority over her in my home.  I would never allow a partner to run off my child, as I have seen happen in so many relationships when a child is a teen and the parent decides to start dating or marries and alienates their kid in their own home.  


Parenting is example, sacrifice and love.  A place where your child knows they are safe but there are limits and expectations that are consistently applied.  My daughter knows that life may change, we may not always be in the same place with the same people around us but she can always count on me to be who I am for her.


Every day is Mother's Day when your kid is as cool as mine.